“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.” (Winnie the Pooh)

August 23, 2008 at 8:27 am | In breast cancer | 1 Comment

Today is my daughter’s birthday party; tomorrow she will be six. She is my youngest so it’s expecially hard to believe that she is already six years old. I love the Pooh quote above, and I would guess that most parents do, too.

Having cancer means rethinking everything–everything you believe, everything you planned, every way you live your life every day. You question not only why you got this terrible disease, but how you are going to live whatever remains of the life you have. Whatever invincibility delusion you had remaining from your teen years is now gone–you know, for sure, that you are indeed mortal. Former nebulous future plans become urgent. The future itself matters less than the present moment, perhaps for the first time.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this has been the fears I have had about my children, and about leaving them before they are old enough to live without me. I’m more determined than ever not to do that (after enduring parenthood I consider it my inalienable right to enjoy grandparenthood!), but being sick forced me to recognize, for the first time, that it could happen.

But instead of dwelling on it, I’m just going to do everything I can each day to enjoy who they are and to help them on their path to becoming independent adults, and hope for the best. At the same time, I hate watching them grow up so fast!

Hopefully they will grow up knowing how deeply they are loved and how very proud I am of them and can carry that within them into life, no matter where they are and where I might be.