monster: an animal of strange or terrifying shape (m-w.com)

July 14, 2008 at 7:51 pm | In breast cancer, cancer, health | Leave a Comment

Tomorrow I head up toward Jacksonville and the Mayo Clinic for a reconstruction surgery. I have six–yes, six–appointments Wednesday for pre-op stuff (chest x-ray, fasting blood work, etc.), and the surgery is Thursday.  While I am enjoying the medical attention, my children will be frolicking at nearby Amelia Island with their grandparents.  Hardly seems fair.

I chose the word “monster” to title my post because the physical changes I’ve undergone as a result of this cancer have left me feeling monstrous.  The process of rebuilding to make me look, while clothed, as normal as possible is a scientific feat, but it’s also alarming.  All my breast tissue is gone.  Why would I even want to make new “breasts”?  I have battled with this part of the process in my mind all the while going through with it.  

With my scars–which include notches on my sides where the drains were after the initial surgery–I have barely been able to stand to look at myself when changing clothes.  It’s simply not natural.  The tissue expanders that the surgeon put in and slowly filled to an acceptable size are hard and unnatural looking and feeling.  There’s a sense of unease–and the word I really want to use here is dis-ease.  

I am hoping that this phase of the surgery will help me to feel somewhat normal again–less Frankenstein-like and more Anne-ish.  But I have to also realize that no surgeon can ever make me whole again; what he can do is help me feel at ease in my clothes.  Only I can decide when looking in the mirror will be bearable again.  I’m not looking for miracles.  But I can’t say I’ve really totally accepted the way things are, either.

Nowhere on earth I’d rather be.

July 9, 2008 at 1:48 pm | In breast cancer | 2 Comments

I suppose we all have our places we want to be–our own paradise on earth. For me, I am there right now. This week is the calm before the storm, so to speak; a much-needed vacation between all the chaos of life. Next week is surgery. But I’m not thinking about that now. I’m enjoying being here and just being.

This week we are on Sanibel Island, a beautiful place off the cost of Ft. Myers, Florida. Not only are my kids and husband here, we have extended family here as well as a crew of friends and their children. We have managed to take up almost half of the place we’re staying–a cluster of wood-sided stilt homes nestled on the gulf coast. It’s been a week of loud laughter (ours and the kids), bike rides, dolphin cruises, and ocean play. Though famous for its shells, the shelling is not good this year. I’m trying to look on the bright side and enjoy all we have to do here.

It’s been a funny, relaxing, joyful time. Interestingly, as my childbearing years have been put to an end by tamoxifen and chemotherapy, my cousin’s have begun. We have grown up together and are more like sisters than anything, and I’m just over-the-moon happy for her and her husband. The miracle that pregnancy and childbirth is serves as a reminder to me of the pure sweetness of life and strengthens my wish to do what I must to keep living.

Not that I’m in fear of dying just now. The threat of recurrence hovers over me, but for now I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself at last after years of letting my health go in favor of taking care of everything in my life–kids, husband, job, home…..I want to see my kids grow up. I also want to meet this new life and watch it grow and become.

We have been coming to Sanibel for about 4 summer now and though I have always loved the beach, this place is something special.

Next Thursday I’m back at the Mayo for reconstructive surgery. While my kids are enjoying Amelia Island, I’ll be “enjoying” the Mayo hospital food post-surgery painkillers. Ah, joy.

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