Anne SG and the Big C

My next surgery will be July 17. I am thrilled to know the date of the next step–I’m getting really, really tired of the expanders and feel ready to move on. But in the meantime I’m not sitting around twiddling my thumbs; my kids are out of school tomorrow and we’re gearing up for a very busy summer!

I have been walking on my treadmill as much as possible lately and really trying to get my strength back, and feel it slowly but surely coming to me. I’m feeling physically improved, but my mind is still scattered. I can no longer rely on my mind as a file cabinet–I used to be able to keep everything I needed to know and do well-ordered in my mind. It’s as if someone turned over a huge file cabinet on the floor and danced a little jig among the files. Nothing is where it should be, and nothing can be found with any ease. It’s extremely upsetting when I stumble over things–losing a word, forgetting a task–and startles me every time. I should be used to it, but I’m not. Chemo brain is suppsed to go away eventually. I hope it does.

But like Gen. Bradley said, I can’t let my circumstances rule how I choose to live my life. I have only one life, and I don’t know how long it will be–maybe 90 years, maybe 45. I have to adapt to my circumstances and make the best of them.

Strangely, I feel happier than I have in years–I feel serene almost, really at peace and happy. There are frustrating moments and stressful days, but I feel for once that I am living in each day and not constantly thinking to myself “if I just can live through (x)….I will eventually get to (y)….and THEN I’ll be happy.” I’m happy now.