“Dreams are the answers to questions that we haven’t yet figured out how to ask.” (Fox Mulder–yes, the guy from the X Files)

May 5, 2008 at 3:13 pm | Posted in breast cancer, cancer, health | 2 Comments

I have this recurring dream. I am sure it must be a common one, kind of like the showing-up-naked-in-public one that people have. I think of it as a nightmare, though, because it always wakes me in a panic. In my dream, I am driving and the brakes have failed me. I cannot stop no matter what I do. There isn’t much more to describe because that’s what I recall from the dream, the sense of panic and loss of control. It’s one of those dreams that seems so real that flashbacks to it send me reeling.

I think it pretty well reflects two aspects of me: one about my life, and one about my personality. My life has been for some years like a speeding car racing out of control with no brakes. I haven’t been able to apply them even if I had them, because I felt compelled to do everything I was doing in my life, much of which was out of my control. Those familiar with academic life and the concept of tenure will know exactly what I mean (and I’m citing Wikipedia here as a sort of tongue-in-cheek rebellion against academic standards).

As for my personality, I think that I have always felt the need to be in control of my life, and I suspect that it is a part of my personality that goes back to DNA–it’s nature, not nurture. I say that because I cannot remember not being like this. I was organizing uprisings in preschool, according to family lore, so I know I’ve always felt a keen sense of activism and a strong desire to lead, which of course is really just being a control freak. I think I became a teacher because I got to be the one with the grade book. Plus, like all academics, I like to hear myself talk. I’m not bragging about these qualities of mine–I tend to think they’re obstacles, not assets. But I have adequate self-awareness to know my own faults.

But the thing is, I haven’t had that dream in a while, and I like to think that is because I either a) jumped off the tenure track and the accompanying chaos or b) have given up being utterly controlly. Well, at least I can hope it’s b), but I still have to work on that one. I still hate uncertainty.

Speaking of dreams. I have been reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch and Jeffrey Zaslow. It’s about a professor who learns he has terminal cancer, and delivers his “Last Lecture.” I admire Pausch (the professor) because he seems to have achieved all of his dreams. That’s certainly a nice place to be if you find out you are dying. He’s able to reflect and to offer whatever wisdom we might take from his story. As I have been reading the book, I have realized that I too have achieved most of my childhood dreams.

Just the other day my daughter asked me what my dreams were when I was a child. I thought about it for a moment. I sifted through what my dreams were and what other people told me I ought to be aiming for, and there were really only three: to be a mother, to be a teacher, and to be a writer. I suppose I’ve done all three: I have academic publications to back up the third aspiration. But what I really wanted was to be a writer that people outside a tiny academic circle (one that doesn’t even include 99% of my departmental colleagues) actually read. I wanted to be L.M. Montgomery (author of the Anne of Green Gables series).

So, having read this book and having made the choices I’ve made in the past months, I have decided to pursue the dream of becoming a “real” writer. I don’t know if I’ll write fiction, but I’d really like to write something that reaches a broader audience than my work has in the past–something that entertains and interests lots of people. Cancer has taught me that life is too short to wait.

Wish me luck.

Hopefully the no-brakes-car dream will stay in hibernation.