“The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is that the days that you have had you will have lived.” (Gilda Radner)

January 23, 2008 at 10:09 pm | In breast cancer, cancer, health | Leave a Comment

So, today my surgeon called and reviewed my path report with me (her resident had called before). The way she said it, the new information she gave me, scared me. There wasn’t really anything new–just the way she conveyed the gravity of my illness. It was the first time, really.

She told me first that it was a darn good thing that I had the full mastectomy, since the 4 tumors were in 4 different quadrants (there only being 4, of course), all of them infiltrating ductal carcinoma. And the news–the 4 tumors were all connected by a noninvasive cancer, in situ carcinoma. That’s what really threw me. These cancers–this nasty, evil disease–was actually 2 kinds of cancer working together.

She said she was utterly shocked that the cancer had not spread into my lymph nodes. The way she said it made me realize the gravity of my situation and the good luck I had in getting this out when I did. She was so overjoyed, it seemed, that it had not.

Also, given the “extent” of my cancer, I will have to have chemo. I guess I knew that but again, hearing the expert say so weighted me down. After I shared the news with Jay and my mom, my first words were, “I am just glad I’m alive.” And I am. I have to live like I am.

We’ve been trying to get things back to normal here. The girls have had a really hard time with everything; Elise is utterly disguted by my drains (“mommy, when are you going to get those, um, tube thingys out?) and Arden is tired of her routine’s being up-ended. I’m trying not to wear myself out, and can’t even drive yet, but I do want things to get as close to “normal” as possible. But it’s not normal. My body is disfigured and scarred and I’m still in a lot of pain. Pretty soon I’ll be bald. Ewww. Arden did tell me that I can wear her Mickey Mouse-ear Santa hat when I go bald, though. Thank goodness for that.