Anne SG and the Big C

I was searching for an appropos quote about the body-mind-soul connection. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. And I have also been thinking about how quick we are to ignore our soul’s aches and needs, while never giving a second thought to how we labor over our bodies’ appearance. A friend and I were talking today about how outward-looking we tend to be. We look to the sky for God, to others for approval, to money for happiness. Why don’t we look inward for these things? Why don’t we protect our souls the way we protect our hair follicles, skin cells, cuticles, and tooth enamel?

After all, I tend to think that when we neglect our spirits, they find a way to be heard. This semester has been an especially diffifult one in terms of my health. Since I had my children I and then returned to full-time work almost five years ago, I have struggled mightily to find some sort of balance between the demands of work (where there’s never a limit to the number of committees needing my help, students needing my attention, and articles to be researched and written), home (don’t even get me started), and family. I have forgotten or missed dental appointments, hours of necessary sleep, and cut corners in every facet of my life in order to try to be everything to everyone all the time. Oh, my soul probably tried to tug at my sleeve for attention, but when I didn’t listen, my body started dropping hints. First, the headaches and sore throats that turned out to be reflux; then, the stumbling-over pain of ovarian cysts. And in between, appointments with two doctors, 2 MRIs, x-rays, and a sonogram. Eventually, I just had to take out the time to find out what was wrong. And then…the LUMP. And about a hundred
MORE tests.

I think that we (or at least I) tend to think of the body as discrete sets of systems–the brain, the digestive system, the reproductive system, and so on. When one acts up, we go see a specialist–psychiatrist, ENT, opthamologist, priest. The truth, I think, is that that they’re all interdependent and all require some sort of balance. And balance, perhaps, is achieved through listening quietly to our spirits for guidance–from God, from the cosmos, wherever. The point is, the answer isn’t on Oprah and it isn’t in our role models, who probably have problems of their own. the answer is most likely within us somewhere.

I have had a couple of those moments of peaceful conversation within my soul. For me, they were moments when I felt God spoke to, through, from within me. The first was shortly after I found out I was pregnant with my elder daughter. I have spent much of my academic research life interested in questions of power–who has it, who doesn’t, what people who don’t have power do to make their way in the world–and then, in a casual moment, I realized what true power is–it was right there within me. What can be more powerful than holding life within the body? What can be more miraculous than that? As my friend and I talked about this today, we brought the comparison of the celebration of the Christ child to the reverence we hold for new life in general, and she commented that if all the world for just one moment could feel the this power, which is manifested, paradoxically, through the complete surrender of personal power to the potential of new life, then we might remember what really matters for just one moment.

So I am promising myself to do a better job of balancing my life once I get through this cancer thing. This time, I’m going to count myself into the balance and figure out what works for me–not based on what anyone chooses to do, but on what feeds and nurtures my spirit, as well as my body and mind. Otherwise, I won’t be around long enough to be much of a mom, wife, teacher, daughter, friend…to anyone!

It’s like Christmas….you know…..it’s not really about the presents.